I would love to read more about your masturbation habits as a teenager, but I'm afraid I have to write about something else. You called me today and said you might move into a new room for a long time. I understand that you might feel this is a good opportunity and you should do it instead of staying in this annoying situating of not having your own place. What I don't understand is that you again failed to see the impact it would have on me. I think if you try really hard, like when I asked you to and you wrote about it, you can imagine how I feel. But most of the times you either don't think about it or can't imagine it up front. Anyway, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I've been stupid to still have some hope - which I did, since you asked. My hope is very simple: that we will get back together. I don't mean now, I don't mean exactly as we were, but as a couple. I love you and just can't settle for less. This is why I asked you to tell me if you thought there was any chance this would happen or not. Because another thing you don't seem to understand is that I can't be friends with you. So it's all or nothing, really. And I thought it was all or nothing a few weeks ago, but the situation since then - you living with Susi, we still being in contact etc. - has led me to believe this was a sort of vague phase from which things could still go in any direction. But now that you think about settling somewhere else, it made me realise that you don't think like I do. You sort of avoided my question anyway - I specifically asked you to not answer 'I don't know', but you kind of did.
I have waited long, too long, in the naive assumption that things would get better. That we would go on a big trip and forget about Belgium. That I would stop seeing Sabeth and you would stop being jealous. That you would stop being angry (which felt sometimes like hate), and you would forgive me and learn to feel comfortable and sexy around me again. That we would move to Berlin and start over. You did start over, but unfortunately there was no more place for me. Or maybe there was, but you never really explained how your idea would work. At the last moment a few weeks ago when I asked you to make a decision, you actually didn't and put the responsibility on me. You said you wanted to move out, keep seeing Hagen but still 'be together with me'. I never understood that last part. You write 'Love you' under your first post, but I just don't know what that means. You don't want to make any sacrifice, you don't want to live with me, so what does this love mean? What is it worth? I really don't know. I know you try now to care about me and want me to feel better, but is that love? I also want children in Africa to feel better. Don't you just want this because you feel guilty, and it would make you feel better if I wasn't so sad? I don't know, but I also really don't know what love means to you.
So the last time you didn't choose, or you gave me one option which effectively meant 'I will do what I want and you can decide if that's enough for you', and I said then I rather have nothing. No matter how you explain it, you also just chose for another man. You can say he doesn't mean that much to you, you can say being with him helps you to get better yourself, but at the end of the day he meant more to you than I did. I can totally accept that you want to live alone and sort things out, but you're not alone - you're fucking another guy. Maybe that's another thing I don't understand too well.
In any case, the time for trying to understand seems to be coming to and end. Because now that you might move, it's time for you to finally decide. And this time I won't let you 'not decide' like last time. Or rather, I will make it very clear what your non-decision would mean. Because I can't do this anymore. Every morning I feel shit, every night I postpone going to bed because it's so big and empty. Every time I see you I cry, every time I hear from you I almost cry. I love you too much for this, for 'a little bit'. Some people prefer it to nothing, but I'm not like that. For me it's just keeping the wound open so it will never heal. I know that if I would stop with this, I will be extremely sad for a long time, I would probably not be able to have a relationship for years, but I know (from experience) that there comes a moment when I will be better. I sat on the plane today and I couldn't image your face and your expressions and voice and smell immediately, and I had to try very hard not to cry. But in the long run it would be better if we can't be together that I try to forget those things.
Love isn't just about meeting the right person. A lot of it is simple timing. Some people call it fate, but it's more about coincidence and luck. You probably meet ten, twenty, maybe fifty people in your life that you could really love and be happy with. But to meet them at the right moment is a rare thing. I talked a lot with Sabeth last weekend, and you know we could have gotten back together, and we probably would have if at some moment we both thought it was time. But it never occurred. And from the moment I met you, I knew the moment had passed. Now there is another moment and it's up to you if you let it pass now.
Let me be very clear so there won't be a misunderstanding. Jule, I love you and there is nothing I want more than to be together with you. I know it would take a lot of hard work, and you need time alone and I need to work on myself and communication and other things, but I am still willing to forget all that happened and truly try. But you have to decide. If you take the room and settle and keep seeing Hagen, it cannot work. I know you don't want me to pressure you, but if I can't expect anything at all - like I wrote, what does it mean then? If you can't convince me you love me, it's pointless. There has to be a minimum, even at the moments of crisis. I have doubted as well, when you were in your 'revenge' phase or afterwards when we didn't have sex or when everything I seemed to do or propose was not working. But I never doubted that I wanted to be with you or that I loved you. Which is why I was so shocked, I think, that you seemed to have no problem leaving me and that a guy you just met was more important. It felt like such a betrayal, I really hope it never happens to you.
So please think about it. Like I said, it's all or nothing, and 'all' shouldn't be 'the same as before' or 'lots of pressure'. It can mean many things, but at least it must mean love in whichever form.
If you choose the other option (and not choosing is included in this scenario), if you decide to move into a 'permanent' place, if you insist on keeping Hagen, then my next letter will be a simple farewell and I will block you on whats'app, delete this blog and never see you again.
PS: I feel really guilty for writing this and making your life harder, because I really feel sorry for you and what happened with your mother. (I often thought I should just ignore myself and wait, but it seems that I can't.) But please try to answer me and be honest. Don't give me one of your cold, short answers like 'I can't be with you right now and I can't explain why'. I know you think it's a silly question, but I still think I deserve some explanation: why can you imagine a life without me but not a life without Hagen? You can say 'Why can't I have both?' But you must understand that it is impossible to have both right now, no? Again, why, if you have to choose, do you choose him? The answer might hurt me a lot, but so does not knowing. Just say 'I don't love you anymore', if this is the case. Otherwise I just can't understand...
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