Farewell

Farewell! Farewell is difficult. Its difficult for me because its sounds definite. Is it not easier to say goodbye when you know you will see each other again, someday, it doesn't even have to come true. But this vision makes it easier.

Anyway, every time one of my relationship came to an end, I was afraid of the hole I would fall into after the break up. I hated the definite aspect of it. I am not allowed to see this person ever again?
I really know that its over for you but I want to believe there is no end, there might be a path going somewhere else. But its not the end of the path. Believe me, relationship cant have an abrupt end if you loved each other.
I assume for you its better to try and forget as soon as possible. Forget the pain I caused and I understand that.
I also know that the way I ended or let the relationship end was horrible, and could be avoided. I am sorry that you came to Berlin and that you have to go through this now.
I will try and make it easier for you by taking my stuff out of the apartment etc.

Today was sad, but in a way also healing. I cried a lot. I talked a lot with Gaston.
I thought a lot about our "happier" days, when we tried to make plans for the future (we always had some plans, but I think I was often too passive) I have bee missing these days for almost a year now. When everything felt light....even though it was heavy with the sabeth think we had to deal with. But sundays were always the happiest days. Then we were at ease and did only fun stuff.

Anyway. Good bye. My Hansi Hinterseher


Keep writing on whatever you write right now. You are so talented. Do it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9LgHNf2Qy0

The last one

Do you remember that pretty card I brought you from Israel? On the back I wrote how wonderful I thought you were - only positive things. I am looking for this card for more than an hour, crying because I can't find it. I decided already a few days ago that I wanted to post it here and say this:

Jule, even though no person in my life has ever hurt me the way you have, and I think it could have gone differently with a little more effort and this scenario was not necessary at all, and I think you still owe me a lot of explanation (or do you think it's nice to hear someone say they're scared of you?), and even though I am pretty fucking angry at you for all that and probably will be for a long time, I still mean what I wrote on this card, and I hope you will manage to become really happy.

(card)

The only words you'll receive from me from now on, will be practical ones via e-mail. (Apart from the inevitable drunken messages maybe, but I will try my best not to do that.) I will mail you later - maybe not today - about how I want to arrange things (and please, please think about what's best for me for once, and just do what I ask you to, even if it's not practical for you - I think I deserve that). I will leave this blog open, if one day, maybe once the therapy is working (I hope it will), you want to share or explain some things, please do. I will probably not answer, but I will read it. And who knows, maybe in a few months I'll be able to have a coffee with you without crying. I wouldn't count on it.

Farewell, Jule. I love you. I will never have gin tonic in a basement again.

Mein vorletzter Brief (?)

Dear Jule,

I would love to read more about your masturbation habits as a teenager, but I'm afraid I have to write about something else. You called me today and said you might move into a new room for a long time. I understand that you might feel this is a good opportunity and you should do it instead of staying in this annoying situating of not having your own place. What I don't understand is that you again failed to see the impact it would have on me. I think if you try really hard, like when I asked you to and you wrote about it, you can imagine how I feel. But most of the times you either don't think about it or can't imagine it up front. Anyway, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I've been stupid to still have some hope - which I did, since you asked. My hope is very simple: that we will get back together. I don't mean now, I don't mean exactly as we were, but as a couple. I love you and just can't settle for less. This is why I asked you to tell me if you thought there was any chance this would happen or not. Because another thing you don't seem to understand is that I can't be friends with you. So it's all or nothing, really. And I thought it was all or nothing a few weeks ago, but the situation since then - you living with Susi, we still being in contact etc. - has led me to believe this was a sort of vague phase from which things could still go in any direction. But now that you think about settling somewhere else, it made me realise that you don't think like I do. You sort of avoided my question anyway - I specifically asked you to not answer 'I don't know', but you kind of did.

I have waited long, too long, in the naive assumption that things would get better. That we would go on a big trip and forget about Belgium. That I would stop seeing Sabeth and you would stop being jealous. That you would stop being angry (which felt sometimes like hate), and you would forgive me and learn to feel comfortable and sexy around me again. That we would move to Berlin and start over. You did start over, but unfortunately there was no more place for me. Or maybe there was, but you never really explained how your idea would work. At the last moment a few weeks ago when I asked you to make a decision, you actually didn't and put the responsibility on me. You said you wanted to move out, keep seeing Hagen but still 'be together with me'. I never understood that last part. You write 'Love you' under your first post, but I just don't know what that means. You don't want to make any sacrifice, you don't want to live with me, so what does this love mean? What is it worth? I really don't know. I know you try now to care about me and want me to feel better, but is that love? I also want children in Africa to feel better. Don't you just want this because you feel guilty, and it would make you feel better if I wasn't so sad? I don't know, but I also really don't know what love means to you.

So the last time you didn't choose, or you gave me one option which effectively meant 'I will do what I want and you can decide if that's enough for you', and I said then I rather have nothing. No matter how you explain it, you also just chose for another man. You can say he doesn't mean that much to you, you can say being with him helps you to get better yourself, but at the end of the day he meant more to you than I did. I can totally accept that you want to live alone and sort things out, but you're not alone - you're fucking another guy. Maybe that's another thing I don't understand too well.

In any case, the time for trying to understand seems to be coming to and end. Because now that you might move, it's time for you to finally decide. And this time I won't let you 'not decide' like last time. Or rather, I will make it very clear what your non-decision would mean. Because I can't do this anymore. Every morning I feel shit, every night I postpone going to bed because it's so big and empty. Every time I see you I cry, every time I hear from you I almost cry. I love you too much for this, for 'a little bit'. Some people prefer it to nothing, but I'm not like that. For me it's just keeping the wound open so it will never heal. I know that if I would stop with this, I will be extremely sad for a long time, I would probably not be able to have a relationship for years, but I know (from experience) that there comes a moment when I will be better. I sat on the plane today and I couldn't image your face and your expressions and voice and smell immediately, and I had to try very hard not to cry. But in the long run it would be better if we can't be together that I try to forget those things.

Love isn't just about meeting the right person. A lot of it is simple timing. Some people call it fate, but it's more about coincidence and luck. You probably meet ten, twenty, maybe fifty people in your life that you could really love and be happy with. But to meet them at the right moment is a rare thing. I talked a lot with Sabeth last weekend, and you know we could have gotten back together, and we probably would have if at some moment we both thought it was time. But it never occurred. And from the moment I met you, I knew the moment had passed. Now there is another moment and it's up to you if you let it pass now.

Let me be very clear so there won't be a misunderstanding. Jule, I love you and there is nothing I want more than to be together with you. I know it would take a lot of hard work, and you need time alone and I need to work on myself and communication and other things, but I am still willing to forget all that happened and truly try. But you have to decide. If you take the room and settle and keep seeing Hagen, it cannot work. I know you don't want me to pressure you, but if I can't expect anything at all - like I wrote, what does it mean then? If you can't convince me you love me, it's pointless. There has to be a minimum, even at the moments of crisis. I have doubted as well, when you were in your 'revenge' phase or afterwards when we didn't have sex or when everything I seemed to do or propose was not working. But I never doubted that I wanted to be with you or that I loved you. Which is why I was so shocked, I think, that you seemed to have no problem leaving me and that a guy you just met was more important. It felt like such a betrayal, I really hope it never happens to you.

So please think about it. Like I said, it's all or nothing, and 'all' shouldn't be 'the same as before' or 'lots of pressure'. It can mean many things, but at least it must mean love in whichever form.

If you choose the other option (and not choosing is included in this scenario), if you decide to move into a 'permanent' place, if you insist on keeping Hagen, then my next letter will be a simple farewell and I will block you on whats'app, delete this blog and never see you again.

PS: I feel really guilty for writing this and making your life harder, because I really feel sorry for you and what happened with your mother. (I often thought I should just ignore myself and wait, but it seems that I can't.) But please try to answer me and be honest. Don't give me one of your cold, short answers like 'I can't be with you right now and I can't explain why'. I know you think it's a silly question, but I still think I deserve some explanation: why can you imagine a life without me but not a life without Hagen? You can say 'Why can't I have both?' But you must understand that it is impossible to have both right now, no? Again, why, if you have to choose, do you choose him? The answer might hurt me a lot, but so does not knowing. Just say 'I don't love you anymore', if this is the case. Otherwise I just can't understand...

My way to Genzkow

My way to Genzkow was very eventful. Only 25 km but I had 3 different weather changes. From wind from the back and sunshine, a little bit rain and then down pours and wind from every side. 

I made a picture on a road, which wasnt a real road actually. I was in the middle of nowhere and I had only a vague idea in which direction I had to go. I had to climb this little hill, it was raining and when I reached the top I had this view which made me so happy. I lived here for 18 years and I have the feeling I havent been out there once. I was a boring child/teenager, but always under this weird pressure of my parents. Genzkow was my comfort zone and I never really went out of it. I was always very bored during summer holidays because I didnt know what to do with all my free time (susi was gone by then) I actually masturbated a lot when I was a teenager. 

I think thats a good sentence to end this post.

My way to mecklenburg vorpommern

Dear Hans,

I actually don't know if I should comment on your blogpost or if these are just texts without connection. I do agree though with the fact that Berlin gives you the freedom of anonymity. Berlin is a place where you can basically do whatever you want with or without company. Right now I am in the train to neubrandenburg with my bike. I will cycle to genzkow. Actually I am really tired and hungry right now and I want coffee. Did you notice that the autumn is there now? Summer is finally over and the leafs are falling down already. The end of the year will come.so quick and then its already a year ago that we came to Berlin and this horrible news about my mum reached me/is. Sometimes I am afraid that time will.just roll down the hill and nothing will change about me or about the sadness about my mum. Then I feel pretty hopeless for the future.
Last night you texted me that you feel so sad. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better, but I cant because I am part of the source of your sadness. Do you still fell any hope right now. Are you happy to be away from Berlin?
The only thing I would tell you to do is to go back to Belgium once in a while to see your friends. I feel guilty that I dragged you to Berlin and then left in a very chaotic way.
This week has been actually quite productive. I started to have a new routine, on sunday I sit down and fill.in my calendar with everything I have to.do this week. It makes my life very easy because I can look at every day and know what I am going. I feel more relaxed and could already make a lot of doctor appointments and met friends because I planned days ahead. So.you could say I started to work on myself already. Did you change anything in your life yet? Ach I feel not so poetic in this german train with these people in here :)
Later more, I think.more pictures from nature mainly :)
Love you
Jule

A Normal Saturday Night

I think your first attempt was right on the spot. You can write if you want to, it just takes some practice.

I want to tell you about my life, although I also don't want to tell you. Because one or maybe the only advantage of being alone in a big city like Berlin is that you can do whatever you want, including stupid shit. And the anonymity of it makes all embarrassment easy to carry. But I had such a funny and weird night last Saturday that I want to write about it.

It started out quite normal, I had a date with Koen in the Weserstrasse in a bar with Belgian beers. When Koen picks a place, it's almost always a place without any women in it. But I was happy with the beers and we stayed there for three drinks. Then we moved to a hip place I knew existed, also in the Weserstrasse, but where I'd never been before. It was a sort of cocktailbar with a lot of beautiful people and great music from a record player (they played the album of Chinawoman and one of Timber Timbre). It was not too fancy, not too hip, it was quite cool. First we sat at the bar because it was the only free spot, and next to us were two young, not very attractive girls. Because Koen always wants to talk about or to girls (in case of sufficient drunkenness) we of course were checking them out. But then some guy came to steal their attention, and in the end we were even asked to move away to another spot at the bar so this guy and his friend could hit on the girls. Then we saw two other girls on the other side of the bar, which was L-shaped. They were much more beautiful but by the time I proposed we go talk to them, they were leaving. We also left, and Koen made the strange proposal to follow them. Which I didn't want to do, but since they were going into the next bar some 50 meters further I agreed to go there as well. They stayed for only a minute, just to say hi to the bartender whom they knew, and then me and Koen sat there a bit like idiots. But I didn't care. We went to one more bar after that and then said goodbye.

Cycling home, it was around 2am, I passed this piece of forest called Königsheide between Baumschulenweg and Johannistal, where the crematorium is. I'd jogged there once and found it creepy even during the day. I heard loud music like from a club coming from inside the forest, and against my instinct I turned back and headed straight into the dark woods. I quickly lost the path and couldn't see a thing, but the sound was my guide and in the end I found this illegal party where only a handful of people were dancing. I was immediately welcomed by a guy who turned out to be French and very nice. I also talked to a British girl who said she worked in the erotica literature business. It was all very strange but I felt happy because these things don't happen in other cities, and we were like on another planet - nobody could hear us and the lights on the trees made it all very special. After some dancing I left and almost got lost and died but in the end found the road again.

Then I was in a confident mood and ready for a new challenge. So when I was almost home I saw the neon lights of the Viva Bar (you know the one with 'betreutes Trinken') and my curiosity won it from my shyness and fear, so I went in. In the first room there is a loungy kind of bar, and I ordered a beer from a (dressed) blond girl. I looked around a bit, insecure, and saw that in a sort of salon corner there was one girl in underwear, some guys and some dressed girls. They invited me over. After that another guy came in, a muscular kind of type, who was actually very nice and also for the first time there (but his comfortable behaviour betrayed that it was not the first brothel he visited). So there I sat, not saying much, but feeling quite all right. Only the hooker was very annoying, she was dumb as hell but had a big mouth and demanded champagne from the men. Luckily my new friend was not to be treated like an idiot, and in the end we compromised and everyone put 20 euros on the table for the girls' drinks. The beers - I had two in the end - were actually normally priced. I stayed there for probably an hour or so, and then I went home. I never had any desire to go to one of the 'back rooms', it's kind of weird because you actually have to 'negotiate' with a hooker in front of everyone else. And also the only girl still 'working' was this bitch I hated from the start and who was very unattractive to me. But in the end I was glad I'd gone in, it was a funny experience.

So, you see, I'm doing just fine without you. Except that I'm not, as you also saw many times already.

I am in the circle

So this is my first blogpost in our new world. I am not sure yet, how I will perform. You are better in this word game, but I prepared already a strategy. I will put pictures everywhere to balance out my poor writing skills.

So here is the first one:

Technically one would say that is a pretty boring photo, and you dont see anything. Well this is the south entrance of potsdam. After I left you today I really wanted to go cycling. So I started to cycle in th Grunewald from top to bottom and then just continued. I saw a sign which said Postdam 8km, I thought 'Oh Potsdam, I have never been there' Only 5 mins later I realised that we went there 3 weeks ago or 4 weeks ago. I remembered that this is the city we broke up in. The moment when you broke up with me felt super unreal. 

You know what I thought about the place where we broke up? It reminded me of the boo "Andorra" of Max Frisch. Do you know it? In the book there are some village inhabitants who constantly paint the houses white from the outside for some sort of national Feestje. I cant remember the whole story anmore, but the whole village tried to hide something horrble and the symbol for this was to paint the outside of the houses. 

Anyway something made me want to cycle to potsdam. I arrived in the city and wanted to go to the square and look at the place where we broke up, but somthing happened and I had a flat tire, just in front of a petrol station. I had to change the tube and got so annoyed with this day, that I just cycled back.

This day was again very "unruhig" and I am super unsatisfied with everything.

So this it for now. 

I miss you 

Conversations

Dear Jule,

I have finally opened this conversation with you - I have many of these blogs with different people (the first one was with Dennis, when I was in Brussels), sometimes small groups of people. I think it's a nice way to communicate. The good thing about it is that the texts stay on it and you can scroll through them, which makes it feel like an ongoing conversation. You could say the same applies to e-mails (or even whats'app), but in practice they don't work like that, they are not to keep or reread or scroll throuhg. Plus you can also put pictures here and videos and whatever you want. It's like a multimedia work we're creating together. And it doesn't matter if you don't answer or post anything for a long time. Just think of these posts as little monologues you share with someone in a safe environment - nobody else can read this.

So... I am still in café Schöneweile. I know we kind of said goodbye just now, but I can't help but thinking and hoping it's not the end. I really love you.

I wonder what you will think of this idea.

KUS